The D Word...

Although it is sad and no one wants it to happen, it does. Divorce is something that many married couples go through. According to the American Psychology Association 40-50% of married couples in the United States go through a divorce. Those who have never experience divorce or parents who have gone through a divorce are ignorant to how complex divorce actually is and how much it actually affects the family. To begin to understand the complexity of of divorce you must know the 6 stages of divorce.

Stage 1 ~ Emotional

Emotional divorce can begin before the couple is ever separated and continues when they are. Emotional divorce is when the couple begins to grow more emotionally distant from one another. 

Stage 2 ~ Legal 

This is when the couple is legally divorced and the marriage is officially dissolved in the eyes of the law.

Stage 3 ~ Economic

Stage 2 and 3 typically blend together. Economic divorce is when everything the couple has property-wise is legally separated. Usually the economic divorce is discussed and executed at the same time a legal divorce is.

Stage 4 ~ Coparental

Some couple skip this stage if they don't have children. However if they do they discuss who receives physical (where they reside) and legal (who makes the legal decisions for the child) custody of their children as well as the the visiting rights of the parent who does not have physical custody.

Stage 5 ~ Community

This concept is a little harder to describe but my teacher explained it like this, who get the friends. This is when the relationship between friends and family becomes separated between the couple.

Stage 6 ~ Psychic

This to me is the most important part of a divorce if a couple chooses to divorce. Psychic divorce is when each individual in the divorcing couple mentally and emotionally accepts that there is a separation. This one is important because some couple or individuals never reach this stage. They are constantly trying to be around their ex-spouse or be an active part in their lives and never accept that they are, in fact, separated. 

No matter the reason, divorce is hard for anyone one. It doesn't only affect the family directly but everyone who cares for this family choosing to divorce. All we can do is validate the individuals experience without getting too deep into the story or choosing sides and be a friend for them in a difficult time. Divorce never means the end there are always chances to build new relationships and maybe even get remarried. 

Teaching Teaches the Teacher

Dr. Michael Popkins, founder of Active Parenting Publishers, says that the purpose of parenting is to protect and prepare children to survive and survive in the world around them. He believes that the four critical characteristics for children to develop are to be

1) Respectful

2) Courageous

3) Cooperative

4) Responsible

Needs

Children develop these characteristics based on how they are parented. In class we discussed a lot about Popkins research and techniques on active parenting. The first way to be an active parent is to address the needs of the child. A child's need are the following:

Physical Contact & A Sense of Belonging: This means to pat them on the back when they do a good job on something or give them hugs. Put your arm around them or cuddle with them when you watching a movie. All these are way that you can subtlety give physical contact to a child. It's also important to give children the sense that they are wanted and belong in the family. The key is to offer it freely. Don't make them work for your affection that will be more damaging than good.

Power: You must give your child opportunities to make their own choices and endure the consequences that come from those choices whether they are good or bad. These are called natural consequences. However there are times when a parent should intervene in the choice making, which are when the choice or consequence is too dangerous, too far in the future, or when other are effected by the choice. By giving children power they learn response.ability (responsibility). When parents are too constricting or controlling over the child's choices it can cause them to become equally controlling or cause them to rebel.

Protection: Children need to be protected as they grow and develop. This comes from the parent being assertive and forgive towards the child. By giving a child this need it also teaches them how to forgive and protect themselves as they get older. If the child receives no protection and aren't taught forgiveness they instead learn to take revenge or have vengeful behavior.

Withdrawal: Yes it's true, children need to learn how to take healthy breaks. To explain this my teacher used the example of a boy working in the yard pulling weeds with his father. After a few hours of yard work they father tell the boy that he was doing a good job and deserved an ice cream break. After the break was over they got back to work in the yard. Addressing this need helps teach the child how to take breaks and then get right back to work. By teaching them these things they avoid learning procrastination or undue avoidance when learning how to start and finish different tasks.

Challenge: Children, as with anyone, needs to be challenged to learn and grow. When they are challenged they learn how to develop different skills which adds to their personality and character. When children are being challenged it can lead to excessive risk taking.

Now no parent is perfect, even though my mom and dad are pretty awesome, they aren't perfect. When these needs of a child aren't met by the parent it can cause behavioral issue with the child. This is where most parenting goes wrong. Since the child exhibits inappropriate behavior, parent try to fix their behavior in to how they believe their child should act. It is important for the parents to address the needs of the child and not the behavior. When the needs of children are met, improvement in behavior will follow.

Based on everything that has been discussed thus far it sounds like the child benefits a lot from parenting. Although this is true the parents benefit a lot too, maybe even more so. When being a parent an adult work hard, have motivations, give love willing, teaches selflessness, and gives opportunities to learn and grow. Most importantly it gives them yet another purpose is this life on earth. Teaching teaches the teacher and it's the same in parenting. As the child grows so does the parent.

Money, Money, Money

When I was younger if I wanted something my parents would make me save my own money to buy it. I didn't receive an allowance so to buy something I wanted took a lot of time and effort, saving money from birthdays, Christmas, and countless hours of babysitting. Eventually I would make enough and was able to buy what I desired. This has been true for many of the things I've wanted and it has taught me a valuable lesson on saving money. It also taught me how to decide what was valuable or worth my money and what wasn't. I am beyond grateful that my parents taught me this lesson as a child because now I'm conscious of my spending in college and focus my spending on my need and occasionally my wants.

In the family, finances are extremely important. The money that is provided by income pays for the needs and wants for a family and can help lead the family to success. However money can be the root for many problems within a family as well and according psychologists money is the cause for 70% of divorces. One way money can become a problem is when the idea of needs and wants are considered the same. So lets clarify what they are...

Needs are the basic necessities that are a essential to a family's survival such as food, water, shelter, electricity, clothing

Wants are everything else

When family members begin to blur the line of what is a need versus a want money can be spent on the wants which can then lead to lack of money for the needs. This can then lead to conflict within the family. It is important that this line is defined at the beginning of a marriage and is redefined as the family grows because when the family grows some needs change. When the line of needs and wants are defined they members of the family can spend and use their money in smart ways that will allow they family to live free of major financial trouble.

A smart way to be financially aware is create a budget. Budgeting can help you know where and how much of your money should be spent. Since being at school I've created a monthly budget for myself. I first looked at my spending trends for a month so I would have a realistic number to use when I created my budget. I then look at how much money I had and budgeted according to my needs and wants. Budgeting doesn't mean that you have to use your money solely on you needs and completely disregard the wants of an individual or a family. Budgeting allows you to address your needs first and then once those are accounted for you can budget some money for your wants. There are many different ways and tools you can use to budget and everyone's budget is unique to them. Budgets are ever changing because needs and wants are ever changing. For example, during my first semester of college I budgeted mainly for groceries, actives, eating out, and church funds. I've used that budget and it worked for me, until I took my clothing construction class this semester. I had to rearrange my budget according to the needs for that class because with fabric, zippers, buttons, and thread for various projects it wasn't just a few dollars I had to deal with adding.

In families budgeting changes just as often. As children grow their needs change. I come a family of 5 children and I think of the additional finances that were added to my family when we all started doing various activities, such as soccer, swimming, colorguard, and band. There are also the unforeseen finances that occur like ER visit or maybe a car breaking down. Budgeting for a family of multiple people is harder than for an individual, but it is possible. Practicing budgeting and smart spending allows the family to address the needs and wants of the family while avoiding financial conflict and crisis.

You Can Say So Much Without Saying Anything At All

Communication is EXTREMELY important in any relationship. When you communicate you let you partner know what you appreciate and need in a relationship. It also gives the couple the opportunity to know if there is a problem within the relationship and work through it. When we think of communication the first thing the usually come to mind is verbal communication. Verbal communication is when words are used to discuss whatever idea you want to convey. Much can be said when using this form communication, however much more can be said when nothing is actually said at all.

Nothing being said is NOT the same as nothing being communicated. Non-verbal communications ends up communicating the most. Think about it, when someone gives you the silent treatment they aren't physically verbalizing anything but they are sure communicating a lot. Even though nothing is being said, when someone gives you the silent treatment you clearly understand that something is wrong and you should probably try understand the reason for the silent treatment and find ways to resolve the issue that caused the silent treatment in the first place. Body language is also a common form of non-verbal communication. When you see a somber look on someones face they probably not feeling too happy and are in need of some cheering up. When someone sits really close to you for no particular reason, they are probably interested in you. Body language can communicate a lot without using words.

In a relationship it is important to know how to communicate. This involves understanding the verbal communication but it also means being very in tune and aware of all the non-verbal communication. Being aware prevents small conflicts from escalating to bigger problems. It can also give opportunities to understand each other, enjoy one another, and talk through any issues.

In my experience, there needs to be balance of verbal and non-verbal communication, and for me that balance is more verbal than non-verbal. I'm one of those people that can pick up on subtle, non-verbal communications but it takes a little bit of time to do so. If someone wants me to understand their want or needs right then and there, they need to say it. It is easier and faster if someone verbally communicates what they need. It prevents any misinterpretations or misunderstandings that could otherwise be instantly understood. If you need something don't simply leave subtle hints hoping someone will pick up on it because it can take a while or not even happen at all. Both way of communication are needed in a relationship but it is important to understand and figure out when it is appropriate to use verbal communications versus non-verbal communication.

Crisis, Conflict, and Coping

Crisis and conflict, it is an inevitable part of life that we must all endure and with crisis comes stress. In a family setting this stress starts with a stressor event, which is anything that causes strain or tension. Not all of these stressor events cause the same amount of stress, some are more severe than others. According to the Marriage & Family textbook that we are currently using in my class the top five most severe stressor events in a family are

1. Death of a Child

2. Death of a spouse or parent

3. Separation or divorce of a spouse or parent

4. Physical or Sexual abuse between family members

5. Family member becomes physically disabled or chronically ill

All these stressor events cause crisis in the family but any stress and crisis can be overcome if the family uses appropriate coping mechanisms. Coping is the families reaction to crisis which can be either good or bad, it all depends on the attitude the family has. Attitude is the difference between making a crisis better or worse.

In class we compared coping in family crisis to pool coping. In case you don't know what that is, it is the red bricks in this picture.

Pool coping is the strongest part of the pool. It must be strong to withstand a lot of pressure and weight when people come in and out of the pool. Just like pool coping families must be strong before the crisis to withstand the pressure and weight of the conflict. Pool coping is also smooth which, when compared to the family, allows a smooth transition in and out of the pool or crisis. Lastly when the coping of the pool breaks you have a hard time trusting that part of the pool again. With the family if you choose a coping mechanism that doesn't work or cause a break in the family, it can cause a harder time to trust any coping mechanism. Coping is so vital when in a crisis. Even though it can be hard coping with crisis, it can stabilize and strengthen the family, which can only happen if the family understands how to cope with conflict and crisis.

Let's Talk About the Birds and the Bees

We've all heard about the birds and bees, there is no way of going around it. It's a natural part of life and is used to create life. In class my teacher made and interesting point when he said that the most powerful sex organ is in fact the brain! The brain is the source that makes sex mean something. When you think of it physiologically sex bring forth a rush of hormones to the brain. We have...

Serotonin~ this hormone relaxes the body

Dopamine~ this hormone tells the body to become excited and thrilled

Oxytocin~ this is the hormone that create and emotional bond or attachment from one person to the other

I want to focus on oxytocin. This hormone can be either helpful or detrimental in a relationship, depending on when it is released. Oxytocin bonds people together in an emotional way and this bond can't be broken, it'll always be a part of you. Yes, it can be hurt and damaged but never broken. This is one of many reasons why I believe in celibacy. Sex in marriage can bring people together. The bond that oxytocin gives strengthens the relationship. When done outside of marriage it creates bonds that are always there, even if the partner is not.

Sexual intimacy is something that should be thought of as sacred. In our world today we often taught that sex is bad and that we shouldn't do because it'll only hurt us, which isn't true. However sex is a beautiful, natural occurrence that no one should be scared or ashamed of. It was created by God so His children could come to earth and that is exactly how it should be used. Sex should only happen in the bonds of marriage where Heavenly Father's children can come down to earth in a loving home. Sex isn't a bad thing but it's power can be used and abused in the wrong way leaving more destruction than good, but if done at right time and place it can bond people forever.

By the Way, They Did Live Happily Ever After

In many of the romantic comedy and chick flick films about weddings, it starts off with a little girl who plans and dreams of her perfect fairytale wedding and their happily ever after. By the time they are in their twenties they know everything they want down to the exact shade of blue or whatever color they choose to have at their wedding. Now this isn't one of those phenomenons that only happen in movies, with resources like Pinterest now available girls, teen, and young adults, they plan their perfect wedding for years. 

Now I've never been one of those girls. Sure I've thought about what I think would be nice at my wedding but the hair, shoes, dresses, and music are the parts of a wedding that I haven't put much thought into at all. After the wedding day is only that, a day. I do believe having a nice wedding is important, that day changes from being ordinary to important for the rest of you life. However a wedding lasts for a day but a marriage last for eternity.

I may have not thought about what my wedding one day will be like, but I am a huge Disney girl and have often thought about my "happily ever after" and what that means. Happily ever after is said to be unattainable in a marriage. I think differently! There will always be happy moments and experiences within a marriage but there will also alway be problems and trials are inevitable and they can be difficult to overcome. Happily ever after isn't easy nor is it perfect. It's hard work that may not always feel happy at all, but if you work through these hard time with your spouse they can bring great happiness and build a stronger relationship.

If you think about it trouble can occur very soon after the wedding day in terms of adjusting to life after the wedding, which can be very difficult for some people. No I am not married but based on what I've learned in my class I believe the first 1-2 weeks of a marriage can be the hardest. You take two people who have learned to live independently and force them to be dependent on each other in order to be successful. Different habits may have to change such as spending, eating, sleeping, and cleaning habits. Responsibilities change and traditions or rituals you grow up experiencing may change or stopped altogether. Just because these things may be difficult, it doesn't mean that you should disregard them and only see your marriage's impending doom. You have to work through them together and when you do, you can become closer than you were before. 

When I think of my "happily ever after" I think about the children I want to have. Children, though a sweet blessing, can cause strain and tension in a marriage. Miscommunications and misunderstanding may arise and husbands can feel as if their wife is putting all their time and energy on the child versus their relationship. Just like adapting to marriage, adapting to children can be difficult but they can be overcome and turn into amazing blessings. 

I'm not writing this post to show how difficult the reality of marriage is because these difficulties are mixed in with good and joyful experiences. Everything two people go through in a marriage can bring them closer together and appreciate each other more. I know one day I'll have a wonderful wedding that I will eventually plan but what I'm most excited for is the relationship I'll be able to have with my spouse and the opportunity to grow and love him. I'm excited to go through the ups and downs of marriage and find my happily ever after.