Crisis, Conflict, and Coping

Crisis and conflict, it is an inevitable part of life that we must all endure and with crisis comes stress. In a family setting this stress starts with a stressor event, which is anything that causes strain or tension. Not all of these stressor events cause the same amount of stress, some are more severe than others. According to the Marriage & Family textbook that we are currently using in my class the top five most severe stressor events in a family are

1. Death of a Child

2. Death of a spouse or parent

3. Separation or divorce of a spouse or parent

4. Physical or Sexual abuse between family members

5. Family member becomes physically disabled or chronically ill

All these stressor events cause crisis in the family but any stress and crisis can be overcome if the family uses appropriate coping mechanisms. Coping is the families reaction to crisis which can be either good or bad, it all depends on the attitude the family has. Attitude is the difference between making a crisis better or worse.

In class we compared coping in family crisis to pool coping. In case you don't know what that is, it is the red bricks in this picture.

Pool coping is the strongest part of the pool. It must be strong to withstand a lot of pressure and weight when people come in and out of the pool. Just like pool coping families must be strong before the crisis to withstand the pressure and weight of the conflict. Pool coping is also smooth which, when compared to the family, allows a smooth transition in and out of the pool or crisis. Lastly when the coping of the pool breaks you have a hard time trusting that part of the pool again. With the family if you choose a coping mechanism that doesn't work or cause a break in the family, it can cause a harder time to trust any coping mechanism. Coping is so vital when in a crisis. Even though it can be hard coping with crisis, it can stabilize and strengthen the family, which can only happen if the family understands how to cope with conflict and crisis.

Let's Talk About the Birds and the Bees

We've all heard about the birds and bees, there is no way of going around it. It's a natural part of life and is used to create life. In class my teacher made and interesting point when he said that the most powerful sex organ is in fact the brain! The brain is the source that makes sex mean something. When you think of it physiologically sex bring forth a rush of hormones to the brain. We have...

Serotonin~ this hormone relaxes the body

Dopamine~ this hormone tells the body to become excited and thrilled

Oxytocin~ this is the hormone that create and emotional bond or attachment from one person to the other

I want to focus on oxytocin. This hormone can be either helpful or detrimental in a relationship, depending on when it is released. Oxytocin bonds people together in an emotional way and this bond can't be broken, it'll always be a part of you. Yes, it can be hurt and damaged but never broken. This is one of many reasons why I believe in celibacy. Sex in marriage can bring people together. The bond that oxytocin gives strengthens the relationship. When done outside of marriage it creates bonds that are always there, even if the partner is not.

Sexual intimacy is something that should be thought of as sacred. In our world today we often taught that sex is bad and that we shouldn't do because it'll only hurt us, which isn't true. However sex is a beautiful, natural occurrence that no one should be scared or ashamed of. It was created by God so His children could come to earth and that is exactly how it should be used. Sex should only happen in the bonds of marriage where Heavenly Father's children can come down to earth in a loving home. Sex isn't a bad thing but it's power can be used and abused in the wrong way leaving more destruction than good, but if done at right time and place it can bond people forever.

By the Way, They Did Live Happily Ever After

In many of the romantic comedy and chick flick films about weddings, it starts off with a little girl who plans and dreams of her perfect fairytale wedding and their happily ever after. By the time they are in their twenties they know everything they want down to the exact shade of blue or whatever color they choose to have at their wedding. Now this isn't one of those phenomenons that only happen in movies, with resources like Pinterest now available girls, teen, and young adults, they plan their perfect wedding for years. 

Now I've never been one of those girls. Sure I've thought about what I think would be nice at my wedding but the hair, shoes, dresses, and music are the parts of a wedding that I haven't put much thought into at all. After the wedding day is only that, a day. I do believe having a nice wedding is important, that day changes from being ordinary to important for the rest of you life. However a wedding lasts for a day but a marriage last for eternity.

I may have not thought about what my wedding one day will be like, but I am a huge Disney girl and have often thought about my "happily ever after" and what that means. Happily ever after is said to be unattainable in a marriage. I think differently! There will always be happy moments and experiences within a marriage but there will also alway be problems and trials are inevitable and they can be difficult to overcome. Happily ever after isn't easy nor is it perfect. It's hard work that may not always feel happy at all, but if you work through these hard time with your spouse they can bring great happiness and build a stronger relationship.

If you think about it trouble can occur very soon after the wedding day in terms of adjusting to life after the wedding, which can be very difficult for some people. No I am not married but based on what I've learned in my class I believe the first 1-2 weeks of a marriage can be the hardest. You take two people who have learned to live independently and force them to be dependent on each other in order to be successful. Different habits may have to change such as spending, eating, sleeping, and cleaning habits. Responsibilities change and traditions or rituals you grow up experiencing may change or stopped altogether. Just because these things may be difficult, it doesn't mean that you should disregard them and only see your marriage's impending doom. You have to work through them together and when you do, you can become closer than you were before. 

When I think of my "happily ever after" I think about the children I want to have. Children, though a sweet blessing, can cause strain and tension in a marriage. Miscommunications and misunderstanding may arise and husbands can feel as if their wife is putting all their time and energy on the child versus their relationship. Just like adapting to marriage, adapting to children can be difficult but they can be overcome and turn into amazing blessings. 

I'm not writing this post to show how difficult the reality of marriage is because these difficulties are mixed in with good and joyful experiences. Everything two people go through in a marriage can bring them closer together and appreciate each other more. I know one day I'll have a wonderful wedding that I will eventually plan but what I'm most excited for is the relationship I'll be able to have with my spouse and the opportunity to grow and love him. I'm excited to go through the ups and downs of marriage and find my happily ever after.

You Can Date and Not Have A Boyfriend!

Since starting college I've made it a goal to call home at least once a week. I find that if I call on Sunday's I'm able to have a nice long conversation with my family. If I know my weekends are going to be busy, I'll call home as I'm walking to my apartment from class and have a lovely 15-20 minute conversation with my mom. However, every time I call, whether it's my parents or siblings, the first question I'm always asked is...

ARE YOU DATING?

or

DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND YET?

Now you have to understand that my family isn't constantly pressuring me to start dating the first man I see walking across campus nor are they seeing me lesser than I am because they don't receive the answer they want to hear. 

Whenever I call I alway wonder if whoever is talking to me understands the difference between going on dates and having a boyfriend, then I realized that the definition of dating has changed. First off lets change the word. 

Dating means to go out with someone that you have an interest in

Courting means to be involved with someone romantically, with the intentions of marrying them.

Dating is something that should be done with a variety of people. What I mean is that you shouldn't only take one person on dates over and over again, instead you should take different people out on dates every time. Dating allows you to get to know a person. You'll find out what they like and what they don't, their interest and hobbies, and their overall personality. Dating can lead you to finding someone that you may take a real interest in which then can lead to courtship.

However before we can talk about finding "the one" we must clarify what a date actually is. Elder Dallin H. Oaks, an apostle for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, said that a date consists of the 3 P's, planned, paid for, and paired off. These three P's are what differentiate a date from simply hanging out. Dates must be planned ahead! You can't just be hanging out with someone and go to Subway and call it a date, you should ask before hand and make it known it's a date. Next pay for it, this doesn't mean that you have to do anything super expensive but if you ask someone on a date, you're treating them to something. Lastly paired off. If you decide to do something like a group date stick with your date, don't go hanging around other people and ignore the person you invited. Make it known that the person you invited to go on the date is in fact your date!

After dating and getting to know a variety of people you may come to find that you want to start courting someone. When courting you move beyond knowing what they like and dislike and begin to understand how they handle different situation and what they're like with different people. You begin to know them on a more romantic level in which you may see the potential for a successful marriage. When you decide to court someone you go into it know that marriage is a very possible outcome. Don't begin courting someone when you already know that they aren't someone you could marry because that starts to playing with emotions that can cause more damage than good in the end. 

So my answer to my family's questions...

Are you dating?

Of course I am!

Have you ever courted someone?

Nope but I hope to one day!

Boy or Girl, Which One Am I?

What does it mean to be a girl?

What does it mean to be a boy?

 The Family: A Proclamation to the World defines the role of a woman as someone who bares and nurtures children. They are to teach them right and wrong and help them develop into strong independent men and women. The role of the man is different. They are the provider, protector, and presiders over the family. They work in different job to make money that is used to provide the basic need of a family. If someone were to attack their family they would stand up and protect them in any way possible. Even though the role of men and women are different they were divinely created specifically for each of us and men and women are see a equal partners in the sight of God.

Most of these traits, like nurturer or provider, are naturally developed by people as they grow. Women tend to grow up as nurtures whether it be a daughter helping a mother, babysitters, or simply women being more incline to the emotional cues of other. As I've grown up I've seen these trait develop in myself and found that I continue to develop more motherly attributes.

I started babysitting when I was 11 years old. Now at this age I never had children of my own to take care of or be responsible for. Needless to say I had no clue what to do. However as I babysat I began to figure out the needs of children of various ages and how to deal with different personalities as well as how to overall take care of children. I'm not saying I am expert and I still have much to learn but these qualities were brought over when I began nannying at 15. When I received my license when I was a nanny I was able to experience a taste of what it can be like being a mother by driving kids to various practices, cooking, and cleaning in a matter of hours. No one had sat me down and trained me to do these things, though I did have the example of my mother, they were in my nature of being a woman. Loving children and nurturing them in the different ways I could was something that came natural to me, I wasn't something that I had to work hard at to learn.

Same goes for men. In tradition families men are providers and protectors. In my family my dad works to fulfill the needs of my family. By working my dad has provided food, shelter, transportation, and so much more for my family. The idea to provide for the family wasn't something that my dad had to learn but it naturally came to him as he saw that he had a family to provide for.

In today's world these roles can be considered very sexist and that women and men need to be equal in everything. I'm not opposed to women taking on some of these natural male attribute, but it is once that these male attribute replace the divine role of a woman that I believe it is wrong. Same goes for men developing natural female attributes. God has divinely given us roles that we must uphold and fight for. Some people believe that it wrong for women to only be mothers but there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with a woman wanting to be a mother and wanting a husband being a provider for her and her children.

Even though gender roles are seen as wrong in the world today, they are extremely important in how the family functions and to help the family function in a positive, healthy way.

Influences

What we do, where we live, and who we associate ourselves with determine what we will become. But who is to say that it is any different for the family. Not only can one family influence another but each person within the family can be influenced by each other whether we know it or not. For class we had to watch a video about a woman named Tammy. She is what we consider to be lower class. She lives in a trailer with her two sons and works for minimum wage at a Burger King. The video shows how she works hard to have a good life for her kids and how she aspires to go to college despite her financial struggle to become a school teacher. Her eldest son Matt explains how his friends are a class higher than he is. He's determined to finish high school and go on to college so he doesn't remain in the same class as his mother. In the update video 12 years later we see Matt and come to find out that he ended up dropping out of high school, never went to college, and remains in the lower class that he was so determined to leave. This may not have been the life he chose but it is the life he knows because of the influence of his mom. 

In this video series, it explores the idea of the influences of social class and how some people can be in the middle class and still go to a higher class functions. While taking on the facade of being a part of the upper class they act as though they belong there, when in actuality they still belong in the middle class. In this example we see how the upper class influences the middle class. Furthermore lower class and middle class people work for high class people which then adds more influence.

Not only does social class influence our families, but so do our cultures. I come from a very diverse city where all different kinds of people reside. The influence of one culture to another can add to the family dynamic and can bring traditions into the family. When my parents were married my dad brought many of his Italian traditions into my family. Through my own experience I can see how different culture and social class can influence other, whether it's for better or for worse, it all depends on the family.

It All Depends on the System!

How do families work?

This question isn't something that usually crosses people's minds when they think of the family. When I hear the word "family" I think of what it is, how it plays a huge role in my life, and how important it is. However I've come to realize is that I've never really thought about how the family unit actually works! As I've done some reading I found that all these explanations boil down to one thing, the family dynamics. However there isn't just one way to explain how the family works, there are many different theories. Just as each individual person is unique so is each family. Not one works exactly the same way another does, hence the many different theories. One theory in particular that grabbed my attention is the

Family Systems Theory

This theory explains that each individual in the family unit has a distinct purpose to help the family as a whole. Or in other words each person has a specific role in the family. Now this role isn't stagnant nor does it come in come in slight variations of each other, they are ever changing as the family and individuals grow and develop.

In class we discussed how a young man (let's call him Will) was living his life by making poor decisions that would get him into trouble. He was then sent to a school for boys where he was progressing and changing into a better person. After Will left this school he went back to his "old life" and reverted back to his old ways, getting into trouble again.

Why would he do that? After all that progress why go back to square one? After pondering this I think it all goes back to the idea of being a part of a system. Will's life before the school was a system consisting of his friends and family where he played a very specific role. When he went to the school for boys he began to change because his system was changed. When he was at the school he started to interact with others differently and even received different responsibilities. He was developing different habits which began to change how he acted. He had a new role in a new system. However when Will left the school he reverted back to his old habits because once again his system changed. It didn't change to something he wasn't familiar with, but it did change to the old system he was a part of, where he went back to playing the role he had before going to the school.

Now that I've been in college I've found myself in a similar situation. When I'm home in California with my family I have a specific role that I play that aids in the family dynamic because of the certain responsibilities that I need to meet. When I'm up in Idaho my "family" changes and so does my system. I live on my own and have different responsibilities. I have a certain day I do laundry, I cook all my own meals, and I manage my time according to my needs with social activities, school, church, ect. When I go on break and go home to California I revert back to the role I play in my real family where I can do my laundry pretty much whenever I want, I don't have to cook all my meals, and my time management isn't only about what I need done but what my mom and siblings need done as well. It just depends on the system I'm in.

So when asked the How do families work?  My answer is that it is all about the system. If each person has a positive role in the family system, it can thrive and be amazing. On the flip side if each person has a negative role or doesn't feel like they need to fulfill their role it can cause many conflicts within the family. In the end families can flourish or they can collapse, it all depends on the system and the role each person plays to help the whole!