You Can Say So Much Without Saying Anything At All

Communication is EXTREMELY important in any relationship. When you communicate you let you partner know what you appreciate and need in a relationship. It also gives the couple the opportunity to know if there is a problem within the relationship and work through it. When we think of communication the first thing the usually come to mind is verbal communication. Verbal communication is when words are used to discuss whatever idea you want to convey. Much can be said when using this form communication, however much more can be said when nothing is actually said at all.

Nothing being said is NOT the same as nothing being communicated. Non-verbal communications ends up communicating the most. Think about it, when someone gives you the silent treatment they aren't physically verbalizing anything but they are sure communicating a lot. Even though nothing is being said, when someone gives you the silent treatment you clearly understand that something is wrong and you should probably try understand the reason for the silent treatment and find ways to resolve the issue that caused the silent treatment in the first place. Body language is also a common form of non-verbal communication. When you see a somber look on someones face they probably not feeling too happy and are in need of some cheering up. When someone sits really close to you for no particular reason, they are probably interested in you. Body language can communicate a lot without using words.

In a relationship it is important to know how to communicate. This involves understanding the verbal communication but it also means being very in tune and aware of all the non-verbal communication. Being aware prevents small conflicts from escalating to bigger problems. It can also give opportunities to understand each other, enjoy one another, and talk through any issues.

In my experience, there needs to be balance of verbal and non-verbal communication, and for me that balance is more verbal than non-verbal. I'm one of those people that can pick up on subtle, non-verbal communications but it takes a little bit of time to do so. If someone wants me to understand their want or needs right then and there, they need to say it. It is easier and faster if someone verbally communicates what they need. It prevents any misinterpretations or misunderstandings that could otherwise be instantly understood. If you need something don't simply leave subtle hints hoping someone will pick up on it because it can take a while or not even happen at all. Both way of communication are needed in a relationship but it is important to understand and figure out when it is appropriate to use verbal communications versus non-verbal communication.

Crisis, Conflict, and Coping

Crisis and conflict, it is an inevitable part of life that we must all endure and with crisis comes stress. In a family setting this stress starts with a stressor event, which is anything that causes strain or tension. Not all of these stressor events cause the same amount of stress, some are more severe than others. According to the Marriage & Family textbook that we are currently using in my class the top five most severe stressor events in a family are

1. Death of a Child

2. Death of a spouse or parent

3. Separation or divorce of a spouse or parent

4. Physical or Sexual abuse between family members

5. Family member becomes physically disabled or chronically ill

All these stressor events cause crisis in the family but any stress and crisis can be overcome if the family uses appropriate coping mechanisms. Coping is the families reaction to crisis which can be either good or bad, it all depends on the attitude the family has. Attitude is the difference between making a crisis better or worse.

In class we compared coping in family crisis to pool coping. In case you don't know what that is, it is the red bricks in this picture.

Pool coping is the strongest part of the pool. It must be strong to withstand a lot of pressure and weight when people come in and out of the pool. Just like pool coping families must be strong before the crisis to withstand the pressure and weight of the conflict. Pool coping is also smooth which, when compared to the family, allows a smooth transition in and out of the pool or crisis. Lastly when the coping of the pool breaks you have a hard time trusting that part of the pool again. With the family if you choose a coping mechanism that doesn't work or cause a break in the family, it can cause a harder time to trust any coping mechanism. Coping is so vital when in a crisis. Even though it can be hard coping with crisis, it can stabilize and strengthen the family, which can only happen if the family understands how to cope with conflict and crisis.

Let's Talk About the Birds and the Bees

We've all heard about the birds and bees, there is no way of going around it. It's a natural part of life and is used to create life. In class my teacher made and interesting point when he said that the most powerful sex organ is in fact the brain! The brain is the source that makes sex mean something. When you think of it physiologically sex bring forth a rush of hormones to the brain. We have...

Serotonin~ this hormone relaxes the body

Dopamine~ this hormone tells the body to become excited and thrilled

Oxytocin~ this is the hormone that create and emotional bond or attachment from one person to the other

I want to focus on oxytocin. This hormone can be either helpful or detrimental in a relationship, depending on when it is released. Oxytocin bonds people together in an emotional way and this bond can't be broken, it'll always be a part of you. Yes, it can be hurt and damaged but never broken. This is one of many reasons why I believe in celibacy. Sex in marriage can bring people together. The bond that oxytocin gives strengthens the relationship. When done outside of marriage it creates bonds that are always there, even if the partner is not.

Sexual intimacy is something that should be thought of as sacred. In our world today we often taught that sex is bad and that we shouldn't do because it'll only hurt us, which isn't true. However sex is a beautiful, natural occurrence that no one should be scared or ashamed of. It was created by God so His children could come to earth and that is exactly how it should be used. Sex should only happen in the bonds of marriage where Heavenly Father's children can come down to earth in a loving home. Sex isn't a bad thing but it's power can be used and abused in the wrong way leaving more destruction than good, but if done at right time and place it can bond people forever.

By the Way, They Did Live Happily Ever After

In many of the romantic comedy and chick flick films about weddings, it starts off with a little girl who plans and dreams of her perfect fairytale wedding and their happily ever after. By the time they are in their twenties they know everything they want down to the exact shade of blue or whatever color they choose to have at their wedding. Now this isn't one of those phenomenons that only happen in movies, with resources like Pinterest now available girls, teen, and young adults, they plan their perfect wedding for years. 

Now I've never been one of those girls. Sure I've thought about what I think would be nice at my wedding but the hair, shoes, dresses, and music are the parts of a wedding that I haven't put much thought into at all. After the wedding day is only that, a day. I do believe having a nice wedding is important, that day changes from being ordinary to important for the rest of you life. However a wedding lasts for a day but a marriage last for eternity.

I may have not thought about what my wedding one day will be like, but I am a huge Disney girl and have often thought about my "happily ever after" and what that means. Happily ever after is said to be unattainable in a marriage. I think differently! There will always be happy moments and experiences within a marriage but there will also alway be problems and trials are inevitable and they can be difficult to overcome. Happily ever after isn't easy nor is it perfect. It's hard work that may not always feel happy at all, but if you work through these hard time with your spouse they can bring great happiness and build a stronger relationship.

If you think about it trouble can occur very soon after the wedding day in terms of adjusting to life after the wedding, which can be very difficult for some people. No I am not married but based on what I've learned in my class I believe the first 1-2 weeks of a marriage can be the hardest. You take two people who have learned to live independently and force them to be dependent on each other in order to be successful. Different habits may have to change such as spending, eating, sleeping, and cleaning habits. Responsibilities change and traditions or rituals you grow up experiencing may change or stopped altogether. Just because these things may be difficult, it doesn't mean that you should disregard them and only see your marriage's impending doom. You have to work through them together and when you do, you can become closer than you were before. 

When I think of my "happily ever after" I think about the children I want to have. Children, though a sweet blessing, can cause strain and tension in a marriage. Miscommunications and misunderstanding may arise and husbands can feel as if their wife is putting all their time and energy on the child versus their relationship. Just like adapting to marriage, adapting to children can be difficult but they can be overcome and turn into amazing blessings. 

I'm not writing this post to show how difficult the reality of marriage is because these difficulties are mixed in with good and joyful experiences. Everything two people go through in a marriage can bring them closer together and appreciate each other more. I know one day I'll have a wonderful wedding that I will eventually plan but what I'm most excited for is the relationship I'll be able to have with my spouse and the opportunity to grow and love him. I'm excited to go through the ups and downs of marriage and find my happily ever after.

You Can Date and Not Have A Boyfriend!

Since starting college I've made it a goal to call home at least once a week. I find that if I call on Sunday's I'm able to have a nice long conversation with my family. If I know my weekends are going to be busy, I'll call home as I'm walking to my apartment from class and have a lovely 15-20 minute conversation with my mom. However, every time I call, whether it's my parents or siblings, the first question I'm always asked is...

ARE YOU DATING?

or

DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND YET?

Now you have to understand that my family isn't constantly pressuring me to start dating the first man I see walking across campus nor are they seeing me lesser than I am because they don't receive the answer they want to hear. 

Whenever I call I alway wonder if whoever is talking to me understands the difference between going on dates and having a boyfriend, then I realized that the definition of dating has changed. First off lets change the word. 

Dating means to go out with someone that you have an interest in

Courting means to be involved with someone romantically, with the intentions of marrying them.

Dating is something that should be done with a variety of people. What I mean is that you shouldn't only take one person on dates over and over again, instead you should take different people out on dates every time. Dating allows you to get to know a person. You'll find out what they like and what they don't, their interest and hobbies, and their overall personality. Dating can lead you to finding someone that you may take a real interest in which then can lead to courtship.

However before we can talk about finding "the one" we must clarify what a date actually is. Elder Dallin H. Oaks, an apostle for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, said that a date consists of the 3 P's, planned, paid for, and paired off. These three P's are what differentiate a date from simply hanging out. Dates must be planned ahead! You can't just be hanging out with someone and go to Subway and call it a date, you should ask before hand and make it known it's a date. Next pay for it, this doesn't mean that you have to do anything super expensive but if you ask someone on a date, you're treating them to something. Lastly paired off. If you decide to do something like a group date stick with your date, don't go hanging around other people and ignore the person you invited. Make it known that the person you invited to go on the date is in fact your date!

After dating and getting to know a variety of people you may come to find that you want to start courting someone. When courting you move beyond knowing what they like and dislike and begin to understand how they handle different situation and what they're like with different people. You begin to know them on a more romantic level in which you may see the potential for a successful marriage. When you decide to court someone you go into it know that marriage is a very possible outcome. Don't begin courting someone when you already know that they aren't someone you could marry because that starts to playing with emotions that can cause more damage than good in the end. 

So my answer to my family's questions...

Are you dating?

Of course I am!

Have you ever courted someone?

Nope but I hope to one day!