The D Word...

Although it is sad and no one wants it to happen, it does. Divorce is something that many married couples go through. According to the American Psychology Association 40-50% of married couples in the United States go through a divorce. Those who have never experience divorce or parents who have gone through a divorce are ignorant to how complex divorce actually is and how much it actually affects the family. To begin to understand the complexity of of divorce you must know the 6 stages of divorce.

Stage 1 ~ Emotional

Emotional divorce can begin before the couple is ever separated and continues when they are. Emotional divorce is when the couple begins to grow more emotionally distant from one another. 

Stage 2 ~ Legal 

This is when the couple is legally divorced and the marriage is officially dissolved in the eyes of the law.

Stage 3 ~ Economic

Stage 2 and 3 typically blend together. Economic divorce is when everything the couple has property-wise is legally separated. Usually the economic divorce is discussed and executed at the same time a legal divorce is.

Stage 4 ~ Coparental

Some couple skip this stage if they don't have children. However if they do they discuss who receives physical (where they reside) and legal (who makes the legal decisions for the child) custody of their children as well as the the visiting rights of the parent who does not have physical custody.

Stage 5 ~ Community

This concept is a little harder to describe but my teacher explained it like this, who get the friends. This is when the relationship between friends and family becomes separated between the couple.

Stage 6 ~ Psychic

This to me is the most important part of a divorce if a couple chooses to divorce. Psychic divorce is when each individual in the divorcing couple mentally and emotionally accepts that there is a separation. This one is important because some couple or individuals never reach this stage. They are constantly trying to be around their ex-spouse or be an active part in their lives and never accept that they are, in fact, separated. 

No matter the reason, divorce is hard for anyone one. It doesn't only affect the family directly but everyone who cares for this family choosing to divorce. All we can do is validate the individuals experience without getting too deep into the story or choosing sides and be a friend for them in a difficult time. Divorce never means the end there are always chances to build new relationships and maybe even get remarried. 

Teaching Teaches the Teacher

Dr. Michael Popkins, founder of Active Parenting Publishers, says that the purpose of parenting is to protect and prepare children to survive and survive in the world around them. He believes that the four critical characteristics for children to develop are to be

1) Respectful

2) Courageous

3) Cooperative

4) Responsible

Needs

Children develop these characteristics based on how they are parented. In class we discussed a lot about Popkins research and techniques on active parenting. The first way to be an active parent is to address the needs of the child. A child's need are the following:

Physical Contact & A Sense of Belonging: This means to pat them on the back when they do a good job on something or give them hugs. Put your arm around them or cuddle with them when you watching a movie. All these are way that you can subtlety give physical contact to a child. It's also important to give children the sense that they are wanted and belong in the family. The key is to offer it freely. Don't make them work for your affection that will be more damaging than good.

Power: You must give your child opportunities to make their own choices and endure the consequences that come from those choices whether they are good or bad. These are called natural consequences. However there are times when a parent should intervene in the choice making, which are when the choice or consequence is too dangerous, too far in the future, or when other are effected by the choice. By giving children power they learn response.ability (responsibility). When parents are too constricting or controlling over the child's choices it can cause them to become equally controlling or cause them to rebel.

Protection: Children need to be protected as they grow and develop. This comes from the parent being assertive and forgive towards the child. By giving a child this need it also teaches them how to forgive and protect themselves as they get older. If the child receives no protection and aren't taught forgiveness they instead learn to take revenge or have vengeful behavior.

Withdrawal: Yes it's true, children need to learn how to take healthy breaks. To explain this my teacher used the example of a boy working in the yard pulling weeds with his father. After a few hours of yard work they father tell the boy that he was doing a good job and deserved an ice cream break. After the break was over they got back to work in the yard. Addressing this need helps teach the child how to take breaks and then get right back to work. By teaching them these things they avoid learning procrastination or undue avoidance when learning how to start and finish different tasks.

Challenge: Children, as with anyone, needs to be challenged to learn and grow. When they are challenged they learn how to develop different skills which adds to their personality and character. When children are being challenged it can lead to excessive risk taking.

Now no parent is perfect, even though my mom and dad are pretty awesome, they aren't perfect. When these needs of a child aren't met by the parent it can cause behavioral issue with the child. This is where most parenting goes wrong. Since the child exhibits inappropriate behavior, parent try to fix their behavior in to how they believe their child should act. It is important for the parents to address the needs of the child and not the behavior. When the needs of children are met, improvement in behavior will follow.

Based on everything that has been discussed thus far it sounds like the child benefits a lot from parenting. Although this is true the parents benefit a lot too, maybe even more so. When being a parent an adult work hard, have motivations, give love willing, teaches selflessness, and gives opportunities to learn and grow. Most importantly it gives them yet another purpose is this life on earth. Teaching teaches the teacher and it's the same in parenting. As the child grows so does the parent.

Money, Money, Money

When I was younger if I wanted something my parents would make me save my own money to buy it. I didn't receive an allowance so to buy something I wanted took a lot of time and effort, saving money from birthdays, Christmas, and countless hours of babysitting. Eventually I would make enough and was able to buy what I desired. This has been true for many of the things I've wanted and it has taught me a valuable lesson on saving money. It also taught me how to decide what was valuable or worth my money and what wasn't. I am beyond grateful that my parents taught me this lesson as a child because now I'm conscious of my spending in college and focus my spending on my need and occasionally my wants.

In the family, finances are extremely important. The money that is provided by income pays for the needs and wants for a family and can help lead the family to success. However money can be the root for many problems within a family as well and according psychologists money is the cause for 70% of divorces. One way money can become a problem is when the idea of needs and wants are considered the same. So lets clarify what they are...

Needs are the basic necessities that are a essential to a family's survival such as food, water, shelter, electricity, clothing

Wants are everything else

When family members begin to blur the line of what is a need versus a want money can be spent on the wants which can then lead to lack of money for the needs. This can then lead to conflict within the family. It is important that this line is defined at the beginning of a marriage and is redefined as the family grows because when the family grows some needs change. When the line of needs and wants are defined they members of the family can spend and use their money in smart ways that will allow they family to live free of major financial trouble.

A smart way to be financially aware is create a budget. Budgeting can help you know where and how much of your money should be spent. Since being at school I've created a monthly budget for myself. I first looked at my spending trends for a month so I would have a realistic number to use when I created my budget. I then look at how much money I had and budgeted according to my needs and wants. Budgeting doesn't mean that you have to use your money solely on you needs and completely disregard the wants of an individual or a family. Budgeting allows you to address your needs first and then once those are accounted for you can budget some money for your wants. There are many different ways and tools you can use to budget and everyone's budget is unique to them. Budgets are ever changing because needs and wants are ever changing. For example, during my first semester of college I budgeted mainly for groceries, actives, eating out, and church funds. I've used that budget and it worked for me, until I took my clothing construction class this semester. I had to rearrange my budget according to the needs for that class because with fabric, zippers, buttons, and thread for various projects it wasn't just a few dollars I had to deal with adding.

In families budgeting changes just as often. As children grow their needs change. I come a family of 5 children and I think of the additional finances that were added to my family when we all started doing various activities, such as soccer, swimming, colorguard, and band. There are also the unforeseen finances that occur like ER visit or maybe a car breaking down. Budgeting for a family of multiple people is harder than for an individual, but it is possible. Practicing budgeting and smart spending allows the family to address the needs and wants of the family while avoiding financial conflict and crisis.